Overlords Should Learn From Hollywood

You watch the latest Star Wars episode with friends. You emerge from the movie house two hours later certain that it’s your destiny to be another Darth Vader. What does it take to become the world’s next super villain? Why, careful attention to the lessons you learn at the movies, of course!

1. The easiest means to pull the pin on a grenade is with your teeth.

2. All bombs must be fitted with electronic timing devices that reveal, in bold, red letters, exactly when they will go off.

3. Everyone always checks on creepy music coming from graveyards. When they do, hastily dispatch your horde of the undead to make a quick meal out of them.

4. Evil overlords rarely carry anything. This is to leave their hands free to make highly dramatic gestures or slap their wives and beautiful daughters. If an evil overlord does lug anything at all, trust this thing to be the most luxurious of leather briefcases. And more often than not, it’s either filled with cash, cocaine, or the only cure to a virus that’s presently wiping out the human race.

5. Beware of laptop briefcases and the geeks who carry them. In the movies, laptop computers can handle real-time video contact, record incriminating conversations, or override the communication system of any invading alien civilization. To ensure your evil empire’s future, order your henchman to shoot at all laptop-carrying civilians first.

6. Do not conduct chemical research on yourself. Any ability-enhancing formula with potential dangerous effects must first be tested on the penguins of Antarctica.

7. Invest in leather passport cases that can withstand all known forms of explosion. You need your passport - and while you’re at it, an open-date airplane ticket to New Zealand, too - in case your plan backfires, your lab rats start mutating beyond control, or the hero has [spin]made quick work of all your evil henchmen|broken all your evil henchmen’s evil bones.

8. Your building should have ventilation ducts too small for anyone to crawl through. Ventilation ducts are heroes and SWAT teams’ entryway of preference.

9. Be secure in your superiority. Do not feel the need to gloat about your genius by telling everyone about your Evil Plan. And each time things go your way, do not indulge in wild, crazy laughter. When you are so search for improvised weapons.

10. Do not have children. Your son will always have grand designs on your throne. She will be as beautiful as she is evil. One look at the hero, and she will betray you.

It’s tough work being a bad guy, but thanks to Hollywood’s glut of movies, you will never run out of inspirations. So what are you waiting for? Go, scheme long, and prosper.